Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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