when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
