It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
