your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
