Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
