wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
