please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
