how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
