Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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