My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize