Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
