So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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