Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
