I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
