My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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