Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
