can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
