it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
