So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
