I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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