Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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