every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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