dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
