i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
