She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
