I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
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Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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