She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
