He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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