really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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