Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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