someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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