ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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