My first STD was from a foam party
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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