Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
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I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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