Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
