the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
