I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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