whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
