you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
