I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
