Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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