you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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