nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
