He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
