Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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