bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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