I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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