There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
