I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
