I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No subtext here. People are naked.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
