you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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