woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
