My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
