U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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