peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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