Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
