I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
