I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
