Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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