I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
